


schrödinger's cat

by brookwrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Car Accidents, Hospitals, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 03:56:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19715746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookwrites/pseuds/brookwrites
Summary: it’s july of 2019, and dan and phil are headed to vidcon. everything has been absolutely amazing for the two of them since they ended their hiatus, and they’re ready to jump into the next stage of their lives...until a reckless driver destroys everything they had in store. suddenly phil is left completely alone to cope with the loss of his soulmate, and all he has left is the dark void of his own mind. dan’s the only thing that can help him, and he’ll find him, even if he has to get some wings first.





	schrödinger's cat

**Author's Note:**

> written for the @phandomreversebang !  
> inspired by the lovely art by @penisdinosaur !  
> beta’d by @i-havent-slept-in-days !  
> (all on tumblr)
> 
> this fic is, by no means, meant to glorify suicide. however, it is quite dark especially near the ending, and the outlined way of thinking is EXTREMELY dangerous and unhealthy, so if you think that by any means this story may trigger you, PLEASE don’t read it!! i don’t want anyone to get hurt by my writing <3 please please please use discretion !!

“Hurry up, Phil! We’re gonna miss ANOTHER flight!” Dan called from down the stairs. They were on their way to VidCon, and they didn’t want a repeat of the last time they flew out to Cali in 2017.

“Just our luck with Cali, I suppose,” Phil said, finally running from his room, suitcase dragging behind him, and planting his feet beside Dan’s. 

“You’re ready now? Haven’t forgotten your passport?” Dan asked.

“I think I should be asking you that one,” Phil said. Each of them pulled their passports from their pockets, clinked them like wine glasses, and headed for the stairs. The rush for the airport gate had already begun; Phil didn’t doubt that this would be another incident in which they barely caught the plane. He’d lost track of the times he and Dan had run up to a gate while it was closing, like in the movies. It was certainly anxiety-inducing, but the two of them were fairly calm. They’d had a great break from working hard on YouTube, but there were certainly some things about it that they’d missed, so they were excited to get back to public life. Meeting fans was one of the things they’d missed the most, so VidCon was a great start. 

When they finally reached the pavement outside their flat, Phil took one look at the taxi waiting for them and realized he’d forgotten his phone charger. “Shit!” he shouted, dropping his suitcase, turning on his heel, and making his way back to the flat.

Behind him, Dan did a double take before groaning and following him. “What now?” 

“I forgot my charger! Why’d you follow me anyway? You could have stayed downstairs,” he said as he reached the door. He felt frantically around his pockets before turning to Dan, who was daintily holding the keys to the flat on one finger. 

“If I thought you’d have remembered your keys, I’d be kidding myself.” By now the taxi driver downstairs was viciously honking at them to hurry up, and both of them knew they were nearing the point of abandonment.

“This is NOT the time!” Phil replied, disappearing into the flat. He came out a moment later holding both Dan’s keys and his own, and, of course, his charger. 

They barrelled down the stairs, each of them nearly falling multiple times, and finally reached the bottom, out of breath after their third trip. Without pausing to talk, they grabbed their luggage and dashed outside. They hadn’t noticed until then that the honking had ceased, but it was clear why; another couple had gotten into their taxi, and it was driving back into traffic. 

“Oh, you have got to be shitting me!” Dan shouted, throwing his keys on the ground. 

Phil calmly bent down and picked them up, handing them back to him before pulling out his own phone. “I’ll call for an Uber,” Phil said dejectedly. Missing the cab was new territory, even for them. 

Luckily, the Uber arrived only a few minutes later, and they were optimistic about catching their plane. Their first event was a little earlier this year, so they certainly didn’t have time to catch another. They threw their things into the trunk and clambered into the Uber, panting a bit as they settled in. “Heathrow,” Phil spat out, and the driver took off. They leaned back against the seats and each took a deep breath. 

“Hey,” Dan said, “we’re gonna make it. Now’s our time to just rest.” They brushed their hands against one another and glanced up at the driver; they knew there was a certain amount of caution to be taken when out in public, even if with only one other person. 

When they looked up, they saw the driver applying lipstick in her mirror. They exchanged concerned looks, and Phil’s entire soul filled with anxiety as he sunk back so far into his seat that he felt as if he was going to disappear. 

“Uh, ma’am?” Dan spoke up shakily, leaning from the passenger side over to her seat. “Are you sure you’re able to drive safely while you’re doing that?” 

“Don’t worry about it,” she said carelessly while nearly running a red light. The light luckily turned green the moment she reached it, but it was clear that she wasn’t intending to stop. 

“I’m not completely su-” 

“Listen, bub,” she said, turning back to look at him, “I know how to drive a damn car.” 

She continued on as the two of their mouths fell wide open. “Oh my God, keep your eyes on the road!” Phil shouted. His breathing began to speed up, and it was evident that he would have a breakdown if something wasn’t done. 

Dan immediately took notice. “Phil, are you okay?” he said quietly enough that she couldn’t hear.

“I’m a professional!” she yelled back, drawing both their attention, and it seemed there was nothing they could to do prevent the screaming match that had commenced. 

Phil turned his head back to face Dan, sporting a face of helplessness. Quickly, though, his eyes caught the movement behind him. They had entered another intersection, and a car was headed right for them. “Dan!” 

~~~  
Phil’s eyes blinked open to a sterile, dark, and empty room. He looked around for a moment, confused, and suddenly bolted upright. “Shit!” His hands immediately flew to his head. “Ah!” His head felt as if so much blood was rushing to it that it was going to explode. He slowly laid back into his bed and fumbled around for the bed’s remote; he finally found it, head throbbing, and pushed the call button. 

Within a few seconds, a nurse was in his room. “Oh, good, you’re awake,” he whispered. 

“Why-Ow!” Phil winced as he tried to speak before giving up. “What the hell kind of hangover is this?” he whispered. 

“It’s not a hangover; you have a concussion.” He looked at Phil’s face and sighed. “You don’t remember, do you?” 

Phil tried to think, but it only worsened his headache. “We were going to VidCon. What happened? We’re supposed to be in America. We… Where’s Dan?” 

The nurse pursed his lips. “Your family should be here soon.” 

“What-” he whisper-screamed, but the nurse was leaving. “Hey!” he used a normal voice, and his head was throbbing, but he didn’t care. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he shouted, but to no avail. The nurse was gone, and his heart was pounding just as hard as his head. What had happened to them? 

He closed his eyes and tried to think back to whatever accident must have happened to land him in that bed. They were taking a cab to VidCon. No, they were taking an Uber. They missed the cab. In any other circumstance, Phil would have laughed at their mistake. Now, it felt like a clue in a murder case. 

They were in the Uber, and that was where the story ended. It was as if he just passed out and somehow ended up in the hospital. His memory flat lined in the middle of the London streets, and everything was completely normal. That, though, couldn’t possibly be true; if it was, Dan would be standing beside him and holding his hand. 

One of the most troubling parts, at that point, was that his memory was failing him. Phil knew there was more to the story, but he couldn’t remember it. Tragedy had struck, and he didn’t even know how. He couldn’t even manage to remember something that he could tell deep down had changed his life forever. 

Phil tried to take a deep breath, but he couldn’t manage. He tried to calm down, but the truth of the matter was that anything could have happened. There could have been a bombing, and the world around him could already be descending into war. It was Schrödinger's Cat; he had no memory of what had happened, and therefore everything, including the possible worst case scenario, had happened until he knew otherwise. Tears he didn’t take notice of rolled down his cheeks, and the heart monitor beside him sped up with each breath. 

At that moment, Phil’s parents rushed in, with his brother Martyn in tow. They saw him panicking and Martyn shouted, “Phil, are you okay?” 

Suddenly everything around him slowed to a stop. His brother’s words reverberated in his head until the voice changed to Dan’s. He closed his eyes, and he saw the inside of a car. He saw a driver, one who chose to look back at them rather than driving. He heard screaming, and every bit of it shot pain through his head, but he couldn’t even think of pulling himself out of what he could only describe as his nightmare. He turned to Dan, and the two made eye contact. They were both hopeless, stuck in a dangerous situation they had no way out of; yet, when Dan saw Phil, his face seemed to soften just a little. Super best friends and soulmates, until the end. 

Phil’s eye caught a car speeding towards them; they were running a red light, and the other driver was paying no more attention than theirs. Before he had time to react, the car was smashing into Dan’s side of the car. He screamed, and he remembered the scream, but he couldn’t hear it; by now he couldn’t hear anything at all. He could simply see Dan’s body collapse towards his as he was thrown back against his window. All went black, and he opened his eyes to his concerned family standing around his hospital bed. 

“He’s gone, isn’t he?” 

They nodded, and he closed his eyes once again.   
~~~  
“Get plenty of rest, and don’t look at any screens for the next week unless you absolutely have to, and after that, only use them in moderation. Nothing too strenuous, alright?” 

“Mhm,” Phil nodded. It had been a couple days since the accident, and since he only had a concussion, they were releasing him. Really, he felt as if they probably should have just transferred him to the mental ward, but he didn’t say anything. He hadn’t said much at all since he found out about Dan. 

The Lester family was collectively worried about Phil seeming to have gone mute, but they also clearly wanted him to have time to grieve. They were just as shocked as he was. 

When they made it back to the flat, the family made it clear that they wouldn’t be leaving any time soon. Phil wanted to complain, but he didn’t feel like opening his mouth. Normally, it would have made him feel at least a little bit of comfort, but comfort didn’t seem feasible without Dan. 

Phil’s family set him up in his old room set (they assumed it would be too painful for him to lie in the room where he usually slept with Dan) with a stockpile of books and went to watch tv, promising to check in on him periodically. Phil was about as satisfied as he could have been, and he tried to read, but his brain was too scattered, and he found himself forgetting what he’d read by the time he finished the chapter. “Stupid concussion,” he muttered to himself, his voice a bit raspy from not speaking. Instead he chose to rest his eyes; the doctor did say to rest, and he was pretty sure he’d read that sleep is good for concussions. 

Before he could doze off, though, he heard what sounded like traffic. Sure, he was in London, but he was confident he’d never heard traffic that loud; it sounded as if he was right on the street. He opened his eyes to search for a source, and suddenly he saw himself in a car. Confused, he looked around and saw Dan sitting beside him. In front of them was their Uber driver from a few days before. 

“Oh, no,” Phil breathed, “no, no, no. Dan, we need to get out of here,” he said, turning to Dan, but he couldn’t hear. “Dan!” he shouted, reaching out to shake his arm, but his hand went straight through Dan’s skin. All the life breathed out of him as he realized there was nothing he could do. He tried to hurl himself from this horrible vision, but nothing worked. Even closing his eyes just sent him a level deeper into this hell. As the car approached them, Dan turned to Phil, and he knew the line. “Phil, are you okay?” He could already hear it in his head, but when Dan’s mouth opened, he said something completely different. 

“If only you’d have remembered your charger.” 

“Phil?” He lurched forward out of what he suddenly realized was a dream, but the feeling it left in him lingered. Martyn was standing over his bed, visibly worried. What a surprise. “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Phil said, monotone. 

“Are you sure? You looked like you were in pain.” 

“Nope, head’s fine.” 

Martyn stood still for a moment, seeming to contemplate this, before sitting at the foot of Phil’s bed. It was like his older brother was pretending to be his father, and he didn’t care for it. “Well, I guess this is a good time to have a talk, then.” 

“About what?” Phil spurted out, a bit of a harsh undertone hiding in his words. 

“I know you can’t have your phone for a while, so I just wanted to ask you if you wanted me to say anything to the press. Obviously nobody’s said anything yet, and your entire fanbase is currently worried sick, given that you’re supposed to be doing panels at VidCon right now.” 

Phil just sort of stared at him for a moment. Why would he ever want Martyn to tell the media what happened to Dan? Schrödinger had come back to haunt him again; he knew that these people had no idea what had happened. Only Phil, their families, and the people involved knew. The entire world was left in the dark, and, to them, Dan was still alive. Even that simple of a thought was the only thing that gave him comfort. “No. I’ll announce it myself when I’m better.” 

“Are you sure? People are really w-” 

“I’ll do it myself,” he barked, cutting off his brother. 

Martyn jumped back a bit. “O-okay, Phil. I hope you feel better soon.” 

“Thank you,” he said sternly as Martyn left the room. Phil smiled for the first time since he’d found out that Dan was gone. It was difficult, but Phil managed to crack that smirk solely because he knew that even though he was really gone, to the world, Dan was lying right beside him.   
~~~  
Phil couldn’t sleep that night, or the next night, or the night after that. Every time he dozed off, he dreamt of Dan’s violent death. Some dreams reenacted the real event, but others reimagined a whole different maiming; the only thing that stayed consistent between them all was that Phil was somehow to blame. 

That mindset carried into his waking hours as well; the only thing that remained constant in his head was the knowledge that he was at fault. If he had just remembered his damn charger, or just given it up and shared Dan’s, they would have caught their cab, and they never would have been in the Uber with that irresponsible driver. If it weren’t for Phil’s own stupidity, Dan would still be there. 

Phil stayed closed off from his family as well. They stayed in his living room, they brought him food, and they tried to interact with him as much as possible, but he’d never say a word in response. They tried to console him, but he felt nothing. They tried to joke with him, but Dan had taken Phil’s sense of humor with him when he left. Nothing was working. 

Really, Phil felt nothing at all. He hadn’t particularly realized it, but Dan had truly been his person. Dan had been the one person who filled him with all the feelings there were to feel, and in departing he sucked them right back out. He wasn’t sure he ever would feel again--not without Dan. 

But, in his mind, he deserved it. It was his fault. 

And that was never going to change.

Time continued to pass, and Phil’s concussion healed. He was able to use screens again, and he was allowed to aid in planning Dan’s funeral. He chose not to, but he knew the date was set for a few days ahead, and he did everything he could to ignore it. He tried to watch funny videos, but nothing made him laugh. He tried to watch something sad, but he couldn’t even cry. He just wanted to feel something, anything, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t feel anything while he was apart from Dan. 

The screens were his last hope. He thought that maybe he’d feel something when he had access to the Internet, to the world he’d built with Dan, but not even seeing the two of them together gave him back any feeling. He still couldn’t bear to tell the world what had happened, and he internally decided he never would. His body felt completely empty, and he’d resolved himself to the fact that it would until he met Dan again. 

He even began to hallucinate, seeing himself in black and white whenever he looked in a mirror. He was a disaster as well, but all he really noticed was the lack of color. He fantasized that when he saw Dan again, they’d touch, and color would drain back into him. Everything would be okay again, but not without Dan. 

He needed Dan.   
~~~  
The day of Dan’s funeral finally came, and Phil’s family helped him get ready. Phil was a bit brighter by then, or at least he appeared to be. The inside of his head was as dark as ever, and as he looked in the mirror, he still saw a black and white body putting on the all black suit, but everyone else saw color, and that was all that mattered. 

By the time they were done with him, he looked socially acceptable, and he was ready to leave. The empty shell that used to be Phil Lester droned along to the funeral home, and the visitation began. He stood there, barely paying any attention as people came and went. Few were allowed; the public would find out if too many were there. Phil didn’t care about any of them anyway; they were mostly relatives of Dan’s who Dan himself could barely stand. Phil knew Dan deserved more people at his damn funeral, but he didn’t care anyway. He was dead, and Phil was practically dead as well. 

Phil hadn’t a clue how long he’d been sitting in the front pew beside the casket when someone approached and put his hand on his shoulder. “We’re going to leave you two alone,” said Dan’s mother, giving him a grim smile before turning to leave. Phil gave no response, but he soon found that he was alone with the casket.

Schrödinger was back for a third time. As he stood overtop of the wooden box, to him, it was empty. He couldn’t see inside, and therefore he chose to believe it was empty. He knew that if he opened it his theory may change, but he had no way of knowing until he did, and so he wouldn’t. He hadn’t seen Dan since they were in the car, and he didn’t plan to. Not until he could truly be with him. 

Dan would be livid to know that his funeral was in a church. He’d be livid to know that they were burying him instead of cremating him as well, but Phil didn’t have the heart to step into the process and vocalize those concerns. He was surprised, at this point, to find that he had a beating heart at all. 

It was at that point that he felt the first feeling he’d felt since he learned about the accident: longing. He felt an overwhelming urge for the only closure he’d ever have, for the ability to be with Dan, even if for a moment, and even if he wasn’t really there. So it was then that he reached in and opened the casket. Within was Dan’s body, his face covered in makeup to look him look less pale and grey. In reality, Phil looked the same while he was alive, so there wasn’t much of a point in that. 

Suddenly, Phil felt like a human juice box. He didn’t know there was anything left inside him, but the image of Dan, lifeless in a casket, sucked out the very last of his feelings, and he knew he didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t wait any longer; he needed to be with Dan.   
~~~  
Food piled up on the counter as Phil cheerily wished family goodbye. Had he any feeling left, he would have hugged them extra tight to say a long goodbye, but he couldn’t even bring himself to do that. As they all left, he looked at all the meals they’d prepared for him. They’d left at least a week’s worth of food for him to eat while he grieved; it was a shame, really. He knew he would have chuckled at the irony had he cared. 

“Don’t do this, Phil.” He turned on his heel and saw Dan standing in front of him, bright, white angel wings protruding from his back. 

“Dan,” he breathed out desperately, and broke out in a run towards him. He threw his arms around him, but quickly found that there was nothing to throw his arms around at all. 

“I’m sorry I can’t be there, but you can’t do this. So many people depend on you.” 

“Bullshit. I’m not strong enough for them,” Phil said, turning back down the hall and heading for their kitchen. “Not without you.” 

“Yes, you are,” Dan said, materializing again in his way. Phil simply walked right through him. “Think of the example you’re setting.” 

“What fucking example?” he exclaimed, throwing his arms up and bringing them back down to unsheathe a sharp knife from their block. “You were the example. What kind of example would I be if I just fucking sit here and let people down because I can’t even feel emotion without you?” 

“A better example than you would be if you do this! Everything we’ve done together has been to help other people stay alive. Don’t you remember? I’m so glad I failed. I was able to do so much. You know this story, and you were one of its greatest supporters; you can’t be turning against that and becoming selfish enough now to do this. This isn’t you, Phil.” 

“No, it’s not,” Phil replied, storming angrily down the hallway towards their bedroom. Their real bedroom. “I took that away from myself when I took you away from me.” 

“That wasn’t your fault.” 

“Yes, it was. I need to be with you, Dan; I need to finish what I fucking started.” 

“How do you even know this is me?” Dan pleaded as Phil settled himself on their bed. It was the first time he’d been in the room since they’d left for VidCon, and somewhere in him, it made him feel pain. “You don’t believe in the afterlife, and you know I sure as hell don’t. Why do you think this will get you to me in the first place?” 

“Oh, Dan,” Phil said almost whimsically, tracing the knife with his pointer finger, “I can tell it’s you. Nobody else loves me this much, not even my own psyche.” 

“What about Schrödinger? Until you’re here, I’m both here and not here. What if you made the wrong guess? Either is equally possible, even if you think you know what the truth is. Are you really willing to take that risk?” 

To add to the list of firsts, for the first time since the accident, Phil laughed, cupping his hands around the handle of the knife. “Not even Schrödinger can save me now.” 

He plunged the knife into his stomach, and a sigh of relief escaped as the physical pain rushed through his body. It was the only true feeling he’d felt since he’d found out Dan was dead, and something about it was almost comforting--no, it was comforting. He felt warmth rush through his body, and he finally, genuinely smiled as he saw Dan materialize in front of him again. He knew Dan was still just ouch of reach, but as life drained from him, he reached out nonetheless. 

“I love you.” 

All went dark, and he felt himself being pulled from his body. He felt as if he was floating, and images began to take shape in a cylinder around him. He sees Dan, but much younger and through a computer screen. It’s their first Skype call. To the right, he sees the first time they met. He watches as they run up to each other and embrace, and feeling begins to seep back into him. Every image he sees brings a little bit more feeling back to him as he floats higher and higher away from the misery of a world without his soulmate. He watches as he and Dan move in with each other, as they move to London, as they become radio hosts, and as they navigate success. He watches as they create a whole world of their own within the shitty world they were placed into, and he watches as they mold that world into a happy place not only for them but for others. He watches them write two books and travel the world twice, he watches them film Dan’s coming out video, and, finally, one last time, he watches the accident that took Dan away from him. 

But that didn’t matter anymore. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, quite literally, and Phil was approaching it. As he reached the top, he felt tears pouring from the turquoise eyes he wasn’t even sure he had anymore. Suddenly, he was engulfed in bright, white light, and he was sitting on a cordial stone wall. None of that mattered, either, because he saw Dan right in front of him. Speechless, he let Dan start.

“I’m so mad at you.” 

Before he could even respond, Dan knelt down in front of Phil and wrapped his arms around his neck. It was like a transfer of energy; as soon as Dan touched him, and he could finally really, truly touch him, Phil ironically felt completely alive again. Still without words, Phil shakily reached forward and cupped Dan’s cheeks before falling into a kiss. He was completely helpless, left to collapse into Dan’s arms, but he was okay with that. The two of them were together again, and that was all that mattered. 

Dan slid his hands down to Phil’s back and pulled away, leaving Phil’s hands sitting idly on his face. When Phil looked down at him, he saw that he was crying as well. Phil laughed, expelling more tears of joy from his postearthly ducts. “You lied. You look amazing in white.” 

Dan laughed back at him, a sound he knew all too well how much he’d missed. The two of them simply remained there for a moment, smiling in each other’s presence, before Dan stood back up. “Hey, Phil?” he said, holding his hand out to Phil. 

“Let’s go home.”


End file.
